A really long Journal about love stuff

I love Jackson. He's a total idiot and dork sometimes, in fact, most of the time, but he still keeps everything good and happy and fun. Jackson never has PMS like I do; I can get mad and stay mad the whole day, where he can get mad and get over it. Too bad I never picked up that quality.

When he first walked into my homeroom on the first day of highschool, I knew I just wanted to know who he was. That cocky attitude, the awkward choice of attire, that burning ball of bright orange hair. its a tragedy that all my photos of my friends from Freshman year are gone, becuase thye were so different, and kind of wonderful. I felt so lame, being so interested in someone without having made any friends yet. Haha, except Stephanie, who sat behind me and asked to borrow my glasses. But thats getting off the topic at hand. I remember everything there was to remember; Jack sat behind me on the first day, where he wore a shirt with the Transformers logo, Optimus Prime, and I made a forced comment about it, just to try to speak up, and got a nod and weird scowl in return. Oh, I felt like such an idiot. He sat to my right, a seat up on the second day, where he was reading the very first volume of the Evangelion magna, where I commented again. Oh my gee, I thought, things that I like too!

I was terrible. Terrible about everything. I had mid length hair, my old glasses and braces to top of off the image. I was terrible in trying to talk to Jackson. I was terribly interested in him and his groupd of friends that I really wanted to be a part of. I was terribly infatuated, and I know, I was what? 14? It was only a crush, but I just couldn't let it go. He was the perfect friend I could imagine, and thats all I could really get out of him. All my efforts to impress went practically unnoticed. I couldn't really explain why I wanted photos of him (ok, and Maxwell, to balance out thep freakish factor), of made him First Mate Scurvy Jack in a never-to-be idea of a comic. I somehow managed not to throw up on his shoes when I asked him about going to the Winter Ball with me, and got what seemed at the time the best sentence I ever heard in my life. "Oh, hell yeah, of course I'll go with you." I was so giddy I went home and jumped around when everyone went to sleep. But then he got a girlfriend, and I felt so bad. Bad because, what about me? I asked you to the dance, why would you think of getting a girlfriend? To me, that ment plans were canceled, ebcause, after all, we weren't official or anything, so going to the Ball would have been like going as friends. I kept my mouth shut and smiling, because crying about it of giving away any clue to my emotions was just so stupid to me. Everything I felt I did or said was stupid. I just wanted to tell him, "I think you're the most wonderful thing I've ever run into in my life, and I love you", but hey, I could act like a cool friend just the same.

Haha, friends like OCL and Zack Nash, Skye and Steph, everyone knew, but no one would say anything. I tried to hate him, because he really was an asshole and obnoxious, but never to me, and I just couldn't. I tried to like other boys, and had brief "boyfriends", only to explain to them that things couldn't work out ebcause I just wasn't there. Yeah, I was a freshman, and this is all really stupidm but its how I felt. Jackson was someone I talked to and saw everyday, the only reason that made me happy to go to school, and yet, totally untouchable. Unlike other girls he was friends with, I made sure I never touched him in any way; even when he bought me Skygunner for Christmas, I could hardly bring myself to express my joy. It was the nicest gift that Christmas, a 40 dollar video game from a 14 year old broke ass kid, who remembered that it was what I wanted. I couldn't act too happy- that'd give everything away. Some big smiles and the MOST AWKWARD hug ensued. I wanted to die.

So being happy and pleasent while watching him and his girlfriend frolic around was just heartbreaking. It hurt so bad to have to put on this charade everyday. I wondered what I was lacking; why don't I ever get asked out by anyone? I have have been, even now, when I'm almost 18. The year ended with him breaking up with his girlfriend, and us going to AKON with some friends. The best AKON I've ever been to. He carried me up flights of stairs because I was pathedic and out of shape. We threw a 20 oz. Pepsi out the window of the 23rd floor of the hotel. We went swimming and I was wearing a bikini... with my brother's shorts and Jackson's shirt over myself. LOL. And I can remember what he wore: overalls. If you were me, this would be even more interesting. But, anyhow, it was a good end to the schoolyear, but nothing happened. I knew he liked me, and he knew that I knew, and he knew I liked him and I knew that he knew that I knew. But why we didn't do anything, I don't know.

I got a job at the end of the summer, at Cold Stone Creamery, near his house. I began to visit briefly after work, very casually. Then I made and brought him a milkshake. The best damn milk shake ever. I would sit on his bed and we would talk about whatever, me in my oversized, obnoxious red work shirt, smelling like ice cream cones, and him looking the same as always. Everything was good, everything was the same, but the same problem of longing for him to say something, anything, that would relieve me of my "Does he really like me?" thoughts. I wanted something, and never got it. I wanted him to kiss me, and always waited. I wanted him to do something- he was a boy! He liked me! DO SOMETHING! But I just thought aobut it everynight, and hoped that perhaps something would happen the next day. School started up again, and I knew that it'd be the same year repeated if I didn't do anything. So I did. I managed to kiss him, the sloppiest, most lame kiss to ever be witnessed in the world. We were in the West End, just ended a round of arcades, and I put lip gloss on him. Jack let me put lip gloss on him, because it was apparently a form of courting me: letting em play with him. I can promise you that rarely does he give in to me puting anything on his face now, which is a shame. My goal was to let him know I likd him, and the most obvious way to do it was to kiss him. I had been waiting for so long, and almost didn't do it that Friday. We walked around, and I finally, finally, finally lunged for his face and almost knocked him over with my rushed, panicked "kiss", if you will, and I felt so horrid. That whole afternoon, my heart beat so hard. I was so scared, so worried that this would have been all for nothing, for I liked him very much, but always held him dear as a freidn, and just feared of ruining and losing the friendship. I wanted to puke, I wanted to faint, and I wanted any reason not to do it. But I did, and a half second later ran off into a building and boarded some escalators. I was so embarrassed; I wanted to die, or crawl into a hole and rot away. Oh my god. I just kissed him. What am I going to do?

So he's always told me he had plans to do it. And I don't know if I really believe him, but I never found out. He probably would have waited longer, but I waited too long for him already. I always make the first move, so it seems, and its pretty lame sometimes. You see movies and shows of the men taking charge, but I've never seen a case of it. Not with me, anyways. But I forgive him for it. Because we're good anyways.

I hate him sometimes, and yell at him and tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again. But I don't really mean it. He's wonderful adn loves me very much, and I love him too. He makes me laugh, makes me happy, and I love laying in bed with him, doing nothing, and I'm so glad he doesn't mind it either. Sleeping during the day is wonderful with him, sitting around doing nothing is just as good. I'm young, but I love him, and I know we'll probably be parting ways in another year, but I love him, and I'm glad I do. We look funny together, and we look younger than our ages together, I know. I hear tons of things aobut Jackson that other people find gay or unattractive, but I think he's great and charming. Most of the time. :3 When I'm not mad at him. Which I've tried toning down.

I've been with him for two years, as of the 4th of September. Its really weird to me, but so natural, at the same time. I love him. What can I say?